Can I Please Have My Remote?

Have you ever been emotionally abused by someone?

Have you walked in a room and the presence of a person just makes you feel a certain way?

Do people make you change your emotions because they are in a mood?

Do you make unhealthy decisions because you are around particular people?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may be codependent. Many people don’t like to admit it, but it can be true. Codependency is not a healthy state of mind. Codependency was first recognized in people that were taking care of terminally ill individuals. The research showed that the ill person normally became dependent on the care giver because they could not maintain their own life without support.  After looking at the relationship, the researchers noticed that the care giver became dependent on the ill person as well. If the two were separated due to death, the care giver was lost because their life revolved solely around the sick person.

Addiction quickly picked up this philosophy because addicts and their love ones showed the same codependent behaviors. Codependency is a real phenomenon and it is alive and well. The lack of boundaries is a perfect foundation for codependency. Most people that grow up in a codependent household will generally establish their own codependent relationship when disconnected from the family.

This blog is not solely about codependency, it is about the most extreme form of codependency, enmeshment. When trying to define enmeshment, you will need to imagine a shirt. A shirt looks like a single piece, but it isn’t one piece. It is many threads so tightly woven that it forms one entity. People that are enmeshed are usually so close that they can not separate their thoughts, emotions, or feelings. One is mad both become mad or one becomes heart broken they both are heart broken. These may sound like a loving and caring relationship, but it is not. Every person should have enough space between each other to feel and think for themselves.

When you have this powerful tug that makes you feel obligated, this should be a warning sign that you suffer from codependency or enmeshment. Having responsibilities is different than feeling obligated. If you are a person that struggles with saying NO or you always feel like people are taking advantage of you, it isn’t their fault, it’s yours. People that are codependent or enmeshed could easily put a sign on their forehead that says, I will allow you to hurt me, take advantage of me, and I will allow it.

This may sound mean or harsh, but it is true. Codependent people gives emotional remotes to people that can cause them harm. Some or most don’t deserve the remotes but they still have them. They can push a button and make you move, react, think, or feel. You may want to react but you do any way, to the point where you dislike them because you can’t make them stop. They push play, you move, push rewind, you reverse, push pause, you freeze.

If you are tired of living this way start collecting all the remotes from people that don’t deserve them. Take the batteries out and throw them away. Taking the remotes back is creating boundaries in other words creating your own autonomy. You may think you have boundaries and you might but just could be ineffective. A boundary like toilet paper, people walk straight through them or boundaries like a painted line, people walk right over them. You may have to build a fence with a lock for a while until the unhealthy person sees that you are putting up a clear and precise boundary.

Some people build this fence so high and wide, they become detached from their feeling and emotions. This is the opposite unhealthy form of codependency.  You will have to find an equal balance, not so detached or not so enmeshed that you miss out on life, love, or special events. Hand out remotes that limit the number of buttons to be push. Some people get a remote with 5 buttons: volume up or down, channel buttons up or down, and power. When others get the picture in picture or a menu button so that they can get deeper into your life because they have proven their worth in your life.

Today go and get your remotes, stop letting people control you and if that doesn’t work, take your TV off the wall and put it in a different location. They just might see what they are missing. A high definition, 4K, LED screen. If they don’t appreciate it, let someone else enjoy you.

Lost Another One

I woke up this morning to a very disturbing message on instant messenger. When I opened it, I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I replied that I hope this wasn’t real. I was hoping that it was a dirty joke. I got a response that it was real. No matter how long I work in this field, a loss never gets easier to swallow. He always had a special spot in my heart. I’m dedicating this blog to his life. I know he had some issues and many inner demons but he was a great guy. He never marched to anyone else’s drum. He would give anyone anything he had if it was possible. I learned a lot from him and he will always be apart of my program. I’m tired of losing people to this disease.
I learned one of the most important rules in this field. To never take ownership of no one else’s recovery. Whether someone lives or dies, succeeds or fail, it is not my doing. A good friend of mine, Mr. Crider taught me if I am responsible for the success of a client then I have to accept the failures. So I picked to not take anything. I just teach and teach and teach like my life depended on it because I know that someone’s life does. 

So many times, I am approached by someone that says, “ you changed my life, I owe you everything, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you”. My response is the same every time, “I didn’t do anything but watch you change your own life around and I was glad to get front row seats”. These clients aren’t my clients and I will never say “my clients” because they aren’t MINE. That’s a codependent statement. I won’t go there right now that’s for another post.

We as therapist give our life to this, well the good ones. Every loss reminds you that every time you walk into a group room or sit in an individual session, it is life or death. I know for me, I give it my all, and the clients can feel my passion. I never tell them to stop drinking or getting high because if that would work it would’ve worked when their loved ones would have said it. My job is to sale recovery and they eventually will buy into the process but it is their choice. Some choose to live by the suggestion and some don’t. It just kills me to see someone die before they can totally change.  Life isn’t promised, tomorrow doesn’t always come, and the dice will land on snake eyes eventually.

So I pray that all of the people that have lost their life to this disease will finally find rest in God. I pray that God will hug them and they finally feel the peace they were searching for so long. There will be a day that we will all know every answer to all the hidden mysteries but until then I will pray that God uses me in restoring health to every man or woman that I meet struggling with addictions. Even Legion knew he was in the presence of the Lord.

To my man,
Rest in peace, with all respect, we will play spades and dominoes when I get there. Save me a spot at the table. Love you.
 

The Lies

The worst part of being an addict I think is the lies. Lies to others and the ones you tell yourself. Addiction is a disease that creates lies one after another. The lies perpetuate themselves to cause a snowball effect. No matter if you want to tell the truth, it seems like the lies just roll right off the tongue. People that aren’t addicted don’t really understand the reasons for all of the half-truths or the entire bold face lies. 

I used to not understand, why in court, they would say, “do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth so helps you God”. I thought the truth was always the whole truth until I started working with addicts. What I have learned is addicts tell true statements but not the whole truth. “I had to stop at the store and get gas, that’s why I’m late”. They fail to say that I stop to get gas, buy drugs, use the drugs, and then came home.  

Lies to cover up addiction runs so deep that only an addict or a former addict can understand the craziness. Looking through the cabinet to find the only thing you don’t have, just to say "I want some spaghetti tonight for dinner but we don’t have any pasta or meat. I’m going to run to the store to get some stuff". Two hours later they return with just a package of meat, no pasta or sauce. When asked what took so long, the reply is, “you will never guess what happened to me, the store didn’t have any more pasta, the cashier at the register was taking so long, and it was a drug bust outside”. The person listening to this is wondering, why can't they just tell the truth. 

Even though it could be easy to tell the truth but the guilt and shame is so overwhelming that the lie just feels better inside. Most addicts would like to tell the truth but they just can’t. It’s our duty on the receiving end to make them be honest in order to free them from this disease. I once had a friend that I called 5% because 95% percent of what he said was going to be a lie. If he said I went…… that was all I needed to hear because the rest of it was going to be false, an absolute lie. It was very sad. 

People that lie on a regular basis don’t understand, every time they lie, they are giving away a piece of their integrity. Integrity can’t be taken away, it is given away. When you say you will stop by and you don’t, a little bit is gone. When you say you will help out and you don’t, a little more is given away. The problem then gets worse when mixed with addiction because it is given away much quicker. Most addicts give away most of their integrity to a point where they don’t care anymore.  It doesn’t even matter to them anymore because no one believes them or trust them anyway. No one gives them responsibilities. No more keys to the house or car. You can’t even trust them to feed the pets when we are out of town. 

It is a hard road back once you have gotten to this point but there is hope. The key is to stop giving away your integrity and start taking it back. One truth at a time, one follow through at a time, and one completed project at a time. If you say you are going to do it, then do it. No excuses. Get it done. Stop blaming, stop victimizing, and stop procrastinating. People are tired of hearing I'm sorry or the promises, keep your word. Be a promise keeper. Nothing is worse than a liar because if you are a liar people will assume you are theft and a cheat. No one trusts a slick individual, be transparent and open. Once you get some sober time in, you will see the trust start coming your way. Don’t rush it. It takes time, just like it took time for you to lose it. Don’t be angry with people because it’s not coming back as soon as you want it. It’s not on your time anymore. If someone ask you if you're high, why are your eyes red, why do you look sleepy, just answer the question and move on. Getting offended does nothing but move you closer to getting high and losing more of your integrity. Just another Nugget of Love.  

• Integrity- the quality of being honest and fair or the state of being complete or whole, undivided 

Finishing the Job the Right Way

I remember as a kid growing up in Texas. Hurricanes would come through and turn a community upside down. We would hear about a hurricane a few days before it would hit and pack a few pictures/keep sakes but nothing more. I would see people boarding their homes but my father never did. I would ask him why; his response would be “we have insurance”.
We would leave the Houston area and drive to my aunt’s house in Dallas until it was over. When we would return home, our house would be in disarray. All the furniture would be on one side of every room, a water line would be on the wall, and the roof would have missing shingles everywhere. General contractors driving around making bids to complete all your work for one low price so that you could pocket the rest of the money. My father would never use a general contractor because he said, “I will get a roofing company for the roof, each person will only do what they are trained to repair” His belief was he didn’t need to pocket any money because he wanted his house to look better than it was before we left.

I remember he would take walls down to make the living room bigger or extend the house for a game room because those were things that he always wanted to do to the house. We would have to stay in a hotel for a few weeks but it was worth it in the long run. Our home would look ten times better every time.

We live in a microwave world that loves instant gratification and getting something without putting in the work. Over the years, I have watched people start their recovery from drugs and alcohol try to do it the quick and easy way. Imagine recovery like a home after a hurricane, everything is destroyed and in shambles: Sheetrock and insulation is ruined due to water, ceiling is caved due to leaky roof, all the furniture is soaked.

People in recovery think all they must do is not use and everything will be better. Thinking this way is like walking in the house, moving all the furniture back in its place, putting sheets on the mattress, buying a new television, plugging it in, sitting on the moldy couch, and going back to your old life again. This thought pattern is how the dry drunk syndrome was created, having all the old, unhealthy characteristics but only focused on not using substances.

Recovery is going into the old house getting everything evaluated even if you think it is okay, listening to the response of the evaluator, and working on fixing every problem. This doesn’t mean that it should be done all at once but they must be in the blueprints of your recovery. Mental health, substance abuse, job skills, coping skills, building financial credit, character flaws, past trauma, acquiring education, etc.; whatever your house needs to be prepared for the next hurricane. So before the next tornado or hurricane comes, the house that you repaired is a wonderful place to live and create beautiful moments. Don’t get me wrong, it takes time and it is a process but it is well worth it for you and the people that encounter you daily.

Have you got your house in order? Anything still needs to be repaired or upgraded? If so when are you going to seek a professional and ask for help?

Where is Rock Bottom?

I always hear people say, "I am at my rock bottom". I would see this same person months later and they are even worst than they were before. Is rock bottom a place where people can't get any lower and if they don't stop they will die? I know for me rock bottom was a game, like Russian Roulette, I always won. I was unstoppable. If their was a line that said "if you cross this line you would die", I would cross it to see if I would but I didn't die. I would just wake up the next morning and think, how crazy I was for trying. I was so tired of hurting in life that it was excitement that kept me from feeling depressed.

Rock Bottom stops being fun when it gets harder to climb up, the older you get, the further the climb. I can never tell when someone has hit rock bottom. All I know is talking about climbing is not leaving the rock bottom. Expressing to someone that they are at rock bottom is a waste of time, it is better to reach a hand out, let them know you are there, and wait until they are ready climb.

If you are alive, you have not hit rock bottom. Don't wait until you hit a fictional place that always gets lower. Recovery can start anywhere. Look up and see all of the hands reaching down for you. Grab one and start climbing. When you get to the top then look down and then and only then will you see your true Rock Bottom.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I Am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” - Isaiah 41:10

All I Wanted Was a Pair of Fila

I remember in the late 80's, early 90's Jordans were a big deal. If you had a pair, you were somebody anywhere you went if you grew up in the Yo MTV Raps era. Really only people with a lot of money or drug dealers could afford them. $120 dollars for a pair of shoes was unheard of at that time.

I knew my parents wouldn't spend that amount money for a pair of Jordans but Fila had just came out with a lower price point. Troops and British Knights had faded out and Fila had just came out with a white and blue pair of shoes for $59.99. I ask for a pair and my father said “yes”. I was excited beyond words. My dad came in after work the next day with a bag from Kmart. He pulled out a box with a pair of Falcons in it. I didn't know what to say. I just stared into the box and my dad said "they look like Fila which they did because of the design on the side but they were red FALCONS. Fila didn't make a red shoe at that time but I knew I had to wear them.

The next day, I put them on with a pair of jeans to cover up the Falcon name on the back. I walked into school not knowing what to expect and people started looking at my shoes. "Red Fila", they said, "I've never seen Red Fila". I was killing it to my surprise, shoes that no one else had, I was on top of the world in my eyes. I got away with it for two or three weeks but I got too comfortable. One day, I got on a bus for a school trip and I put my feet on top of the seat and fell asleep.

I was awakened to uncontrollable laughter. My friend, Sweet, says to all my other friends, "Falcons, Falcons, Brooks doesn't have Filas, those are Falcons." I went from on top of the world to place that I refused to be ever again. I swore to myself that no one would ever make fun of my shoes. So, I started mowing grass in my neighborhood with my father and I saved up to buy those Filas and I got them. I felt like I was in the "nice shoe group of kids". I couldn't stop because I loved the feeling.

I mowed enough grass to finally buy a pair of Jordan III, it was a moment I didn't think would ever come true. Moving grass ended during an argument with my father but I couldn't stop desiring new shoes.

Shoes weren't just shoes to me, they meant something more, it was connected to my pride and self-esteem. So, what did I become in high school, a candy dealer. It started off with a few pieces of candy here and there until my mom was taking me to the store every night. This was a school of at least 4500 students. A back pack full of candy would be gone by the end of the day. I was late for every class because I had a line in the bathroom of customers. Teachers were making personal request for the next day. Whatever you wanted I had it. I was grossing $75-80/day because I didn’t eat any of my own candy, Thank God for braces. At 15 years old, I had every pair of shoes I wanted, some before they were released to the public.

I was selling a product that was bad for teeth and for student's health. Did I think of how I was affecting the students' body by selling candy, never entered my mind? I watched kids use their weekly lunch money for candy. It was crazy. All I knew was they were going to buy it from someone, why not from me.

The Addiction to selling anything is deeper than most people can ever realize. It is tied to self-esteem and self-worth. Most drug dealers never can see this reality. They think it is due to just making money. It can be for the money but it is a false sense of security. Yes, consumers eating candy can cause an addiction that is unhealthy but dealing the product has some of the same symptoms. We can fight addiction from the backend and work on the addiction of selling drugs, it will not solve the problem but we can put a big dent in the solution. I'm not trying to make light of a serious topic like selling drugs in the community but if someone doesn't get treatment for dealing, the fight against substance abuse is even that much harder.

All I ever wanted was a pair of Fila at the age of 12 thinking it would help me fit in or be cool in the eyes of my friends but it led me to selling illegal candy on a campus which was banned any sells outside the cafeteria. I wasn't trying to break the rules but I was. In my mind it was justified, I was just trying to make myself feel better inside.

It's all treatable if you know what to treat.

You Can't See That Hole

I hired a guy to dig a hole 6 feet by 6 feet by 6 feet in front of my house and he spent 5 hours digging the hole. I asked him to come back the next day to the clean the leaves out of my gutters. He said he would. While he was outside cleaning the gutters, I heard him yelling my name. I came outside to find him in the hole. I asked him how did you fall in this big hole, he said I forgot it was there. I reached my hand down and helped him out of the hole. He finished the gutters. Honestly, he did a really good job. So I told him that I was pleased with his work and said come back tomorrow to trim all of my bushes around the house. He arrived early prepared to work. I was prepared also, I put caution tape around the hole and a tarp over it so he would not fall in today. Low and behold about an hour or two later, I heard him yelling my name. I came from the backyard to find him stuck in the hole. This time I was frustrated, " how in the world did you fall in the hole again". He said I saw the tape and tarp but I forgot that the hole was there. I said to him you spent 5 hours digging the hole two days ago and you fell in yesterday, how can you forget something like that. He said it's just been too long ago, I forgot.

In recovery, we tend to forget holes that we dug ourselves in while in our Addiction. When we are the ones watching people fall in the same holes month after month or year after year, we think to ourselves, why can't they see that they are about to relapse again.

Now matter the signs or the warnings, they seem to fall every time. It's frustrating to help people out over and over again, especially when you tried to tell them what is about to happen. What do we do? Stop helping them get out? Watch them try to get out but never do? Tough love? Enable?

It's hard because we love them and don't want to see them in pain or in a bad situation.

Sometime, the ones watching need to get help on how stand and just watch and wait for the person to get out of the hole, they dug.

Codependency is real, if you are struggling with it. Please read this poem to see if it helps.

``Letting Go'' 
• To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring. 
• It means I can't do it for someone else. 
• To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off. 
• It's the realization I can't control another. 
• To ``let go'' is not to enable, 
• but to allow learning from natural consequences. 
• To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness
• which means the outcome is not in my hands. 
• To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another. 
• It's to make the most of myself. 
• To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about. 
• To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive. 
• To ``let go'' is not to judge, 
• but to allow another to be a human being. 
• To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, 
• but to allow others to affect their own destinies. 
• To ``let go'' is not to be protective. 
• It's to permit another to face reality. 
• To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept. 
• To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue, 
• but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. 
• To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody, 
• but to try to become what I dream I can be. 
• To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires
• but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it. 
• To ``let go'' is to not regret the past, 
• but to grow and live for the future. 
• To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.

I Want that Old Thing Back

Food for Thought

Some people say that AA and NA is not for them because of the God concepts, but most people don't understand why it is so successful. It is because of how it was founded. Imagine if we went back to the first 12 Steps, imagine what the success rates would really look like.

The original twelve steps are as followed:

1. Honesty - [We] Admitted we were powerless over alcohol (drugs) — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Hope- Came to believe that God could restore us to sanity.
3. Faith - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care and direction of God.
4. Courage - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Integrity - Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Willingness - Were entirely willing that God remove all these defects of
character.
7. Humility - Humbly, on our knees, asked Him to remove our shortcomings —holding nothing back.
8. Brotherly Love - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make complete amends to them all.
9. Justice - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Perseverance - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Spiritual Awareness - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve ourcontact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the powerto carry that out.
12. Service - Having had a spiritual experience as the result of this course of action, we tried to carry this message to others, especially alcoholics (drugaddicts), and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Falling in Love With Crazy

Everyone wants to be in a loving and caring relationship but it is not easy to find one. Everyone has an opinion why finding love is difficult while on the other hand some find or found it easy. Many people start relationships off on the wrong note due to their own insecurities or because of their partners issues. Most people don’t realize that they present as a different person at the beginning of a relationship because of their self-esteem. A person suffering from addiction usually don’t present themselves as an alcoholic or a drug addict unless it is going to benefit them. If the person notices that the new relationship might be different from any other relationship, the person might create a pseudo-identity so that they can win the person over.

This pseudo-identity usually stays present until they have the other person in a position where they can not easily wiggle their self out of the relationship without being scarred. For example, an individual shows their real colors after finding out that a baby is on the way or making a large purchase that will keep them connected. This may seem strange but it is very common in relationships when one person is struggling with an addiction. This causes the other person to struggle between their brain or their heart. Individuals found to be on the other side of the relationship finds out that the person that they love is not real and it seems like a total lie.

Thinking that they may can change the person or stick around until they see the old person, sometimes is an event that will never come. Not saying it is impossible but it is definitely rare. One the other hand, some people think that they are choosing the right person but they wonder why all of their relationships ends the same way. The end is nothing like the beginning, the relationship has nasty arguments, broken items, name calling, and nearly ending in anger. If you rewind this relationship back to the beginning, it started off by talking on the phone at all times of the day or night, using every spare time for quality time, and the relationship usually evolved without even trying.

So many times, people say how crazy their partner is in the relationship but the sad part is that the crazy side of the partner mimics some part of you. People suffering from relationship issues usually can be in a room full of people to choose from but when you find the person that you have so much in common with at the beginning will hate you at the ending.

Why is this?

Some people love falling in love with crazy. They might not admit it but their track record shows. Hitting, throwing, screaming, untrusting, or a little crazy are traits that cause some to run but some people run towards these character traits. What is the explanation of this phenomenon? Think about a puzzle piece, majority of puzzle pieces have 4 sides unless it is an end piece. One of the sides may be dormant, in denial, but the others connect to another piece of the puzzle. One might think or say that they have nothing in common with the crazy partner but in reality, their puzzle piece is a perfect match for crazy. Even though the individual has a few more sides, the one that connects with other people that are unlike yourself makes you feel whole inside.

Most people have to learn how to be comfortable with themselves in totality in order to change the outcomes of their relationships. Doing the same things or picking the same type of people and expecting a different outcome is insanity. How does this situation correct itself, easy. The person looking for the relationship has to take appropriate risks that helps them connect with the part of them that may be difficult to present to other people. If you are a meek and mild person, you might have to push the comfortable character traits to the side or turn the puzzle piece around and connect with someone that loves your weaknesses as well as your strengths.

Once a person starts to connect all of the puzzle pieces together the big picture starts to emerge. When most people are in unhealthy relationships, they tend to isolate to the world and they only connect to one side of their puzzle piece. By showing all four sides in life allows people to see where you may fit in their life, the other person doesn’t have to feel like the rug is being pulled from under their feet and you don’t have to feel like your life is a secret. You are now open and honest while having a more healthy relationship from the beginning to the end which might weed out the crazies…

If you keep having bad relationships it's because you pick bad people. Your picker may be broken. Work on fixing your picker before connecting your puzzle piece.

Dominion of the Earth

Food For Thought

I would like you to meditate on the word dominion. God gave us dominion over the earth at the beginning of mankind and we have been slowly making decisions as a people that allows the land and the earth to have dominion over us.

GENESIS 1:26,28-30 NKJ
26 Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all[a] the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

29 And God said, “See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food. 30 Also, to every beast of the earth, to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, in which there is life, I have given every green herb for food”; and it was so.

Dominion means to rule, to govern, or to have authority over.

Our prayers should be today-
"Lord give us the understanding of where this all went wrong. Give us the wisdom that only you can provide. You trusted us to have dominion over everything on this earth. We have allowed the earth to steal, kill, and destroy us, this was not your plan. The plants of the earth were meant to glorify your name but we have allow every addictive plant to separate us from your will. Today we are going back to the beginning to repair what the devil has taken from us; our families, children, parents, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, grandparents, community, and schools. We declare in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ as his children, we will not stand and watch this continue. Alcohol, Cocaine, Opiates, or anything else that grows from the ground will not control us anymore. We want to be back in your will. We are calling out in your name, humbling ourselves, seeking your face, asking for forgiveness for all of our sins, turning from our wicked ways and You PROMISED to heal our land."

AMEN.

God allows us to make our own decisions whether good or bad but we sometime have to live out the consequences of those choices. We have a free will and God allows us to take the wheel on occasions. But do you see what happens when we drive this car too long, we put God in the back seat. He belongs in the front seat, hand on the steering wheel, and feet on our gas/brakes.

Prayer with me, that God will hear our cry and heal the land that the domain to us.

Willing, Ready, and Open

A Nugget of Love

Somebody asked me the other day, why do future clients call, say they are coming in, and never come. I just laughed and she couldn't understand why. I replied, "welcome to the world of Addiction".

There are three major components to actively be in recovery. In my ten years of working with addicts, I have found that these three concepts are found in every recovery. The three components are READY to change, WILLING to accept, and OPEN to suggestions. If one of these is missing, an addict always finds a reason to relapse.

I had a client several years ago when I was an outpatient IOP counselor that would hold the group hostage every Monday. She would say that she relapsed this weekend and the group would encourage her that relapse was part of recovery. After the third Monday, I said, "we are not going to spend every Monday talking about your relapse for forty minutes. You are not relapsing every weekend, just admit that you like to get high on the weekend." She didn't like the statement but I didn't back down. I know it wasn't a motivational interviewing statement but it was the truth. She seemed willing and open but just not completely ready.

READY- 
1. a :prepared mentally or physically for some experience or action
b :prepared for immediate use dinner is ready
2 a :willingly disposed :inclined ready to agree to his proposal
b :likely to do something indicated a house that looks ready to collapse

WILLING-

1 :inclined or favorably disposed in mind :ready willing and eager to help
2 :prompt to act or respond lending a willing hand
3 :done, borne, or accepted by choice or without reluctance a willing sacrifice
4 :of or relating to the will or power of choosing

OPEN
1 :having no enclosing or confining barrier :accessible on all or nearly all sides cattle grazing on an open range
2 a (1) :being in a position or adjustment to permit passage :not shut or locked an open door (2) :having a barrier (such as a door) so adjusted as to allow passage the house was open
b :having the lips parted stood there with his mouth wide open
c :not buttoned or zipped an open shirt

You can be open and ready but not willing to listen to advice or take suggestions. Recovery is difficult.

You can be willing and ready but not open to a new way of living or to change. Recovery is unlikely.

You can be willing and open but not ready to make the necessary changes or to stop the behaviors. You will not find recovery.

If you are struggling or know someone that is struggling with finding recovery, please share this. You need all three, if you are missing one you will not find a true and sustainable recovery.

The Introduction to the Nuggets of Love

Hi,

I am David Charles Brooks, Clinical Director/Owner of Brooks Behavioral Health Services, LLC in Frederick, MD.  Formally a program manager with the Frederick County Health Department, I oversaw all criminal justice treatment in Frederick County.  I have worked in the substance abuse arena for almost ten years.  My career has always allowed me the opportunity to work with the most intensive clients in this field.  I truly enjoy watching them come out of bleak situations and find new paths for living.  

Nuggets of Love was started when I was running Intensive Outpatient groups within the jail program.  After every group, the members would ask for a couple of nuggets of love.  The nuggets became a major part of groups and individual sessions.  The clients would want to talk about the nuggets more than the curriculum.  I would see people after being released from incarceration and they would approach me for just one nugget to get them through the day.  

When I departed from the health department, the clients wondered how they were going to receive my nuggets of love.  So, I created a blog to record all my nuggets for the world to read.  The nuggets are thoughts, tools, and inspirational thoughts for people to think about to see life in a different and unique light.  Not all the nuggets will be for everyone, but they will allow you the opportunity to see someone's struggle in a different way.  

In this blog, you will find weekly Nuggets of Love and Food for Thought which will stimulate your brain while providing important education about substance abuse issues.  The blog was created for people suffering from addiction, for recovering from addiction, or for someone that knows a person that has an addiction.

I would love to have your feedback or questions on every post because your comments will allow people to grow and learn.  Addiction is taking over our communities and families, and I will not allow it to keep moving in this way without doing something about it.

With love,

David Charles